Am I Smart for Nothing?

By Martha Bul

How could a black girl graduate high school Summa Cum Laude with a 4.06 GPA at the top of her class but not get a full-ride scholarship to even just one of the top elite universities? That girl was me: Debra Owens. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was smart for nothing. My story explores the theme of unfair admission rejection. Grading with above perfect GPA, I applied to Ivy League Universities, but they all rejected me. I took a shot at all eight Ivy League Universities, the colleges that are guaranteed for top students, because I have often been at the top of my class since kindergarten and finally graduated high school as a super star with above 4.0 GPA and was named a Summa Cum Laude of my high school. But little did I know that the Ivy Universities ganged up on me to make me feel that being super smart while black was nothing. 

It was June the Summer of 2021; the first year of in person graduation after Covid-19 lockdown. The celebration was held at the Saint Paul Union Station in downtown St. Paul, Minnesota. The blinding sunshine of Minnesota Summer with a vibrant green pine forest and the smell of humid air stirred my mood in a positive manner. Right before I set out for the graduation ceremony, I bought myself some shiny girly green sunglasses, ate state fair mini duties, and drank my favorite juicy watermelon. The celebration ceremony for the graduation has now begun. This was the first time I saw my twelfth grade classmates because we could not see each other in person at the beginning of the school year due to covid lockdown. I sat at the front seat wearing a golden honor cord, which represents the highest academic honors since I was graduating Summa Cum Laude. I sat there celebrating the most honorable day of my life. However, while I was sitting on that honorable chair, my heart started to bump and a feeling of doom overcame me. I looked around but my biological parents were there. Even though I received lots of applause, I still felt lost, empty, and lonely from the crowd. My biological mom died when I was a toddler. I took a moment and put my head down and tried to picture my mother, but I could not vividly clearly see her. She passed away when I was approximately three years old. Even though my mom was not present, I could see and hear her laughter telling me to often seek happiness and value compassion in life. I could feel her hands guiding me through the dangers of the world and cautioning me to always aim for paradise as I rightfully deserve. Then I came back to the crowd cheering for my name for my name was called “Summa Cum Laude,” with the greatest distinction. I worked across the stage and to the podium, grabbed my diploma, bowed as a taboo, and took a picture with my chemistry teacher who had previously named me a very important person. 

A couple of months back, I applied to all eight Ivy League Colleges. I applied for earlier action to Harvard University, my top choice school. After hitting the button for my application to Harvard for earlier action, I saw a green light, which meant it was officially submitted. Soon after, I was overcome with the feeling of calmness and confidence. I began applying to the rest of the ivies. My application to these Universities was filled with energy. I first received my decision from Harvard for earlier action and I was deferred. When I told my white friend Hailey that I was deferred from Harvard, she became upset and said: 

Hailey: You got deferred from Harvard University?

Me: Yes.

Hailey: You are better than me!

Me: Why do you think that? The feeling of inadequacy overcame Hailey as she turned her back toward me and walked away as if she had a stomachache. After all, applying to all these colleges was like a full time job to me at the time. However, as a kid, I had an insatiable desire for knowledge and heightened focus on things I put my mind to, so applying to those numerous colleges was an excitement. 

Now, the waiting for acceptance was another anxiety. I started to countdown my days from October to March 31st because March 31st was the Ivy day for that year; the day where all ivy league universities release their decisions. Finally, that day came. It was March 31st, 2022, around 7 PM Eastern time. As I sat around the table in my quiet ghost-like room, I slowly shifted to my study table next to my bed and pulled over my laptop. I opened the Havard letter and I was deferred to a regular decision and then waitlisted and then denied. I then opened the university of Pennsylvania and it was a “Thank you for applying to the University of Pennsylvania. We appreciate you considering applying to our school. Considering the number of students we received this year, we regret to inform you that we do not have a place for you.” I started to feel a nasty taste in my mouth, nauseated and like my lungs would fall off,  my eyes became blurry, and then I lost appetite. The rest of the ivies, the message was the same: It was rejection after rejection! 

Considering graduating high school with a 4.06 GPA, If I were a white girl, I would have been celebrated on the news! I would have been accepted to at least three ivies if not all. I know this because I got interviews from every league university that I applied to, and that was because I stated in my application that I spoke Africanas, a language from South Africa for the white South Africans. So, the admissions officers thought I was white. The interview was on zoom. To find out if I was white or black, the interviewee came to see me and then disappeared once they saw that I was black. The first admission officer who interviewed me was from Upenn. She joined the zoom, took a pick of me and said, I am at the airport right now so I got to go. Seriously?! She did this because she just wanted to see my race since there are black and white people in South Africa. Soon after she found out that I was a black American, she immediately locked out of the zoom and disappeared, leaving me feeling unwanted. This was the initial time I ever felt that way. I applied again for the third time and got accepted to Yale but without any scholarship offered. This was another way of rejecting me because they know I would not be able to afford it. I attended Yale for a while and then dropped out due to financial difficulty.

Martha Bul graduated high school Summa Cum Laude with a 4.06 GPA at the top of her class of 2021 in Minnesota. She was accepted to and attended Yale but is currently continuing her undergrad studies and triple majoring in math, biology, and physics at the University of Minnesota. Although Martha is passionate about math and sciences, she is also interested in writing because she gravitates toward exposing the truth. Martha is a young emerging writer.