By Anjali Paruvu
I thought I'd sewn up all the tears in my blue dress I'd used thread made of shining chloride It took me months to repair, their nails were so sharp, and now I'm sitting wondering what the point was I thought I had made the taps all leak-proof I double-checked and triple-checked so many times But then I woke up one day and felt the world slide Like everyone was moving and I was left behind I thought that the skeletons of my past would die I never thought they could climb out from a grave so deep Then why is it that suddenly I feel like I'm the creep Why does the look of my face disgust me? I thought I'd got my restart I thought I could abandon all the ghosts of my past But here they are again, shining in my face I don't know if I'm confused or silently weeping in pain And all I want to know is - was it my fault? Was it my fault that caused the earth to crack? Are these little lies from a darker source Or is this as far as my shallow heart goes? And everybody tries to solve my problems so I stopped I can't be weak, that'll break my soul again They used to call me 'sensitive' for crying as a child So I stopped, now where the hell am I? I don't know where my friends have disappeared Did they abandon me or did I isolate myself? My mother's the only one who knows no one stayed Was I born this way or did the world change me? Did I hear people wrong or did they really wrong me? And I'd rather be right than have people who love me And I'd rather cry than live with myself again And I'd rather die than to be alone again
Have I been put in a rat race One with endless mice All just like the others Blinders on both sides I'm so sick of running as fast as I can Haven't taken a breath in a while When was the last time I looked to my side At the remnants of the people I liked I don't know how to escape these walls How does a locksmith break his own lock And everybody's trying to get in my head But if I give in, will I give up? I can't find the path to a happy life One with light I only know how to run all the time If I stopped, would I be able to start again?
Anjali Paruvu is a poet and blogger from Hyderabad, India.
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