A Dramatic Recounting of a Email Chain Between a Student and His Professor

By Thomas Page

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“Dear Dr. Kesey,

I am not able to attend class today because I have the flu.

Yours,

Joseph Brown”

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“Dear Mr. Brown,

I would normally excuse your absence from class, but I’ve noticed you have never attended any of the discussion sections with Ms. Florin. You have used all of your absences. This results in a failing grade. If you have any questions about why please don’t hesitate to contact me.

 

Dr. Rebekah Kesey
Professor of English
The University of ――”

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“Dr. Kesey,

If I may blunt, I do have some questions. I have been to all lectures and discussion sections with Ms. Florin and I contribute a lot. Remember when no one was going to say what the meaning of the leg was in O’Connor’s “Good Country People” and I said “Maybe it represents a sense of disability in the South” and you said “Maybe that’s too on the nose” and I said “maybe too on the leg” and the class laughed.

I know that Ms. Florin keeps attendance and I have checked in every class. If you could you check your records with her, that would be delightful.

Joseph Brown”

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“Mr. Brown,

I understand why you may be upset but I have checked with Ms. Florin. She says you haven’t been to a single discussion section.

If I may be blunt, Mr. Brown, your email was curt. If you would like assistance in the future, I would suggest you’re writing be more “delightful.”

Dr. Rebekah Kesey
Professor of English
The University of ――

P.S. Don’t write run-on sentences on any papers you submit at this University. Professors will catch it. It will affect your grade.”

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“May I see what Ms. Florin said?

Joseph Brown”

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“Here you go:

‘Dear Lauryn,
Does a Mr. Brown attend the discussion period for English 266?

Rebekah’
===========================

‘I don’t know. Probably not. Only 25 of the 100 go to discussion regularly.

Lauryn’

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Dr. Rebekah Kesey
Professor of English
The University of ――”

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“Dr. Kesey,

Pardon my French, but how in the hell does that count? ‘I don’t know?’

I would like to bring to your attention the class roster that is viewable on Blackboard:

Brown, Adam
Brown, Denise
Brown, Jaiden
Brown, Joseph
Brown, Yvette
Brown, Zachariah

There are six students with the last name Brown and four of them are a ‘Mr. Brown.’ Please ask Ms. Florin if there is a Joseph Brown in her discussion class.

Joseph Brown”

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“Dear Mr. Brown,

Here is her response:

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‘Lauryn,
After talking with the student and his insistence that he does attend the discussion section, does Joseph Brown attend?

Rebekah

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‘Rebekah,

I think this may be the student who is always eating a turkey sandwich during the lecture. You know the one with the weird hair. He does attend the sections. I thought his name was Aloysius Gonzaga, or something like that.

Lauryn’

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I’ll have to go with Ms. Florin’s word on this one.

Hope you feel better, Mr. Brown.

Dr. Rebekah Kesey
Professor of English
The University of ――“

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“Dear Dr. Kesey,

Thank you very much for working out this issue with me. I apologize for my curt tone but I had to set things straight. My nausea might have also contributed to my attitude.

I think much of the confusion comes from my full name being on the roster. My middle name is indeed Aloysius. Don’t worry, it happens all of the time.

I’ll make sure I have read “Go Tell it on the Mountain” by discussion this Friday.

I’m going to go throw up now.

Toodles,

Joey”

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“Dear Dr. Kesey,

I apologize for the last note. My nausea is affecting my ability to write emails.

Yours,
Joseph Brown”

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“Mr. Brown,

I would suggest you rest up and take some Dramamine. I know it works for motion sickness but I’m not sure about composition sickness.

Dr. Rebekah Kesey
Professor of English
The University of ――“