Le Chat Noir

By Emily Gennis

It was the kind of night that creeps up on soft, silent paws, and has its claws in you before you even know it’s there.

I was in my usual spot on the windowsill, watching a squirrel bury its loot and muttering all the things I’d do to it if I ever got the chance. Salty and Pepper had been yapping at each other all evening, no doubt planning another one of their get-treats-quick schemes. Falcor had his bell up against the wall of his cage and was trying to pick a fight with it, but didn’t quite have the vocabulary. (“Pretty boy want some peanut butter? Peanut butter?!”) Beside the cage, Gil and Bloop-Bloop circled each other around their bowl like an underwater Mexican standoff.

All things considered, it was a quiet night. You might even say, too quiet.

The door creaked open and I sat up, hoping it was the Broad coming to make food appear or do petting. At the very least, she might sit down so there would be a lap to curl up on. But no dice. 

Instead, in walked a dame more gorgeous than an unattended ham sandwich. I’d caught a glimpse of her when she first arrived a week before, but we hadn’t been properly introduced. 

I watched as she sauntered into the room, looking around with those big, green eyes of hers. She sat down on the rug, paused to lick her anus, then hopped up onto the back of the sofa, leaving a trail of dusty paw prints on the upholstery. 

“You’d better watch it,” I said, pointing my nose at the prints. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were looking for trouble.”

She had the kind of sad, tired eyes that come from too many bad days and too few square meals. “I don’t have to look,” she purred. “Trouble’s got me on a short leash. Wherever I go, it’s never far behind.” She cleaned the dust off her paws, licking one black toe at a time. “Besides, this place is already a dump. Don’t get me wrong. Anything beats the shelter.”

I wouldn’t have pegged her as having done time in the slammer. Then again, she looked like a dame with more than her fair share of secrets. “How long were you locked up?”

“Long enough to know I’d do anything to never go back.” 

I drank in her long limbs and jet-black coat. In a funny way, it reminded me of my mother, who was all black except for a single white stripe stretching from one ear to the other. I’ve got the same stripe, which is the only part of me that isn’t as gray as a storm cloud. And, as it happens, it’s how I got my name. 

“What do they call you, anyway?” she asked.

“Dash. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss…”

“Kitty. Charmed, I’m sure.” 

I put one of the chicken flavored chew sticks I’d been sitting on for safe keeping into my mouth and offered her one. She gnawed at it like it was the last chew she was ever going to have.

“It’s pretty nice digs, once you get used to the place,” I told her. “The food dishes are always full and there’s plenty of furniture to scratch on. The gang can get a little rowdy, but so long as you stay out of their way, they’ll usually stay out of yours. And as far as humans go, the Broad’s not bad. The Fella’s better at cheek scratches, but I haven’t seen him around here lately.” 

“I don’t much care for humans,” said Kitty. “Never saw the point of them.”

“They’re an acquired taste,” I conceded. “So, what brings you to this end of the house?”

“Actually, Dash, I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve come because I need your help. I’ve lost something very precious.” She fixed her eyes on me, and I couldn’t have looked away if I tried. “Sock.”

“Sock?” 

“Sock. I acquired it shortly after arriving here and it hasn’t left my side since. You see Dash, I’ve had rather a rough time of it lately. Sock has been an immense comfort to me. I sleep with it every day.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “And sometimes, I bite it and kick it at the same time. It’s absolutely irreplaceable. But when I woke from my third nap this morning, it was gone! Disappeared without a trace.”

“That’s hard luck, kid. But what do you expect me to do about it?”

She rested her chin on her front paws, guileless as a kitten. “I’ve heard that when it comes to finding things, Dash, you’re an ace.” 

“Is that so?” I was playing it cool, wondering which one of the gang had tipped her off. Falcor was the chattiest of the bunch. But if the topic of conversation was something other than peanut butter, he wasn’t interested. Salty and Pepper were similarly single minded. They never did anything unless it had a treats angle. I hadn’t had many dealings with Gil or Bloop-Bloop, since they tended to keep to themselves. Gil seemed like a swim-up guy, but Bloop-Bloop always had a look in his eye like he was up to something. 

“I guess my reputation precedes me. But I’ve got bad news for you, sweetheart. I’m retired.” 

“So, you won’t help me?” She was licking the crumbs off her face, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her pink, hairy tongue. I may be fixed, but I always was a sucker for a pretty face. 

“Can’t is more like it. I haven’t been on a case in a long time. If I ever had a whisker of talent, it’s gone now. Believe me. You’re better off on your own.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“Well, you heard wrong!” I hissed. “I’m done with that life, I tell you! Done!” 

She backed away, crouching low.

I felt dirtier than a litter box that hadn’t been scooped in a month. Still, I had to make her see that I was no good. I’d found that out the hard way the last time I’d been on a job, many, many moons ago…

***

“You’ll find it for me, won’t you Mr. Dash?”

The kid was only a few months old. All ears and fuzz, with paws that never stopped kneading. He’d play for hours, chasing down toys the Fella threw for him until, inevitably, one would get lost. 

That’s where I came in.

“You betcha, Cupcake.” I licked the top of his head and noticed a small, hard lump behind his ear. Nothing a good licking wouldn’t cure, I thought. “I’ll track down Bouncy Ball before you can say tuna.”

“It’s real tricky though,” he explained. “Sometimes it’ll be going one way, then it’ll hit a wall and go off in a whole nother direction!” 

“Leave it to me, kiddo. I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve never lost a toy.”

I looked high and low in all the usual spots. Under the sofa. Behind the radiator. Inside every single bag or box the humans brought home. But there was no sign of Bouncy Ball. 

A few weeks later, Cupcake wouldn’t get out of his bed. He refused to eat and not even his favorite kind of tuna could tempt him. The lump behind his ear had grown and more were popping up on his back and belly. I licked him until my tongue was sore, but it didn’t do any good.

It was hard on all of us. Gil spent days just swimming in circles. Bloop-Bloop knocked over his castle in a fit of rage. Salty and Pepper promised Cupcake a cut of the treats they were planning to score if he’d only get out of bed. Falcor tried to comfort him by screeching “I love you, Falcor! Mmmwah!” every couple of minutes. 

I watched the Broad and the Fella put Cupcake into a carrier and took him away. Poor kid didn’t even put up a fight. When they got back, I didn’t have to look in the carrier to know it was empty. 

***

“So, that’s it?” Kitty stared at me with her big, green eyes. “You failed once, and you just gave up?”

“That’s about the long and short of it.”

She shot me a look that could have made a sparrow apologize for chirping too loud. “Very well. I’ll find Sock on my own,” she said, heading for the hallway. “But if you happen to change your mind, I’ll be on the kitchen counter.”

It was just my luck. Of all the surfaces in all the rooms in the whole house, she had to walk on the kitchen counter. The place was bad news all around and I avoided it like the vet. Kitty could get cut, burned, or worst of all, wet. I followed her and tried to explain all this, but she didn’t stop until the two of us were standing on the cold tile floor. 

“What makes you think Sock is here?” I asked, keeping a keen eye out for danger.

“I’ve just got a hunch. Now either help me or stay out of my way.” The tip of her tail flicked back and forth as she scanned the room. 

I had half a mind to go back to my windowsill, forget all about Kitty and nurse my lovesick heart with a good strong bag of catnip. And I was about to do just that when she said “There it is! I see Sock!”

She pointed her nose at a cabinet next to the fridge.

“Must have been a hell of a hunch,” I said. In all my years tracking down toys, I’d never found one as quickly as Kitty just had. The whole thing seemed fishier than a can of mackerel. But I’d been out of the game a long time and didn’t trust my instincts. Hell, maybe she really was that good.

Before I could stop her, Kitty leapt onto the counter. (I had to hand it to the gal. She had a hell of a pair of gambs.) She managed to nudge open the glass door of the cabinet and stretch her front leg inside. I heard her grunting before she called down to me. “I can’t reach it, Dash. Can you try?”

I glanced behind me to make sure the coast was clear. The last thing I needed was the Broad coming in and mucking up the whole operation. I did some quick calculations, gauging the amount of umph I’d need to launch myself up. Wiggling my rump, I made a few minute adjustments. Then a few more. Then a slight breeze came through the window, and I had to start all over. Once I’d accounted for wind resistance, I made one more wiggle for good luck and jumped. 

It wasn’t nearly as effortless as Kitty had made it look, and I wondered whether I should lay off the tuna. “Alright,” I said, catching my breath. “Let’s see this Sock of yours.” 

“It’s in there,” she said, indicating the cabinet above us. 

I stood up on my hind legs and peered inside. There was a stack of plates, Salty and Pepper’s treats jar and the mug the Fella used to drink his tea out of every morning, which was coated in a thin layer of dust. But no Sock. “I don’t see it,” I told her.

“It’s there. Towards the back,” said Kitty. “Listen, Dash, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help.” 

I leaned in farther, bracing myself against the jar. Now I could see all the way to the back of the cabinet. I still didn’t see Sock, but I did spot a single, dainty paw print in the dust. 

That’s when I knew I’d been had.

“Especially considering we’ve only just met. You’re a class act, Dash. A real class act. Which is why I am so sorry about this.”

I felt a paw thump me hard in the gut, knocking me off my feet. I flailed, grabbing for something to hold onto, which happened to be the treats jar. But I might as well have sunk my claws into thin air for all the good it did. In the split second before I hit the floor, I managed to swing the jar underneath me to break my fall. There was a crash and then everything went black. 

***

When I came to, Kitty was licking my face. 

“I really am sorry, Dash,” she purred. “But I had no choice.”

“You… tricked me.” The room was spinning and my head felt like a dented can of chunky chicken entrée. 

“I had to get those treats down. But if the human caught me, I’d be back in the shelter for good. And like I told you, I’ll do anything not to go back there.”

“I saw your prints from when you cased the joint. You planned this whole thing out, didn’t you? You played me for a fool, Kitty. A patsy. A fall guy. And for what? A few treats?” 

 “But they made me do it! Oh, Dash, you simply must believe me! They said they’d rip Sock to shreds if I didn’t! I was ever so frightened.” She was putting on the pussycat in peril act again. But this time, I wasn’t buying it.

“Who?” I demanded, still waiting for the room to stop spinning. But then I heard barking and, suddenly, it all made sense. 

Salty and Pepper were circling the shards of the broken treats jar, which, as was now painfully clear, had been empty.

“Empty?! How can it be empty?” 

“Where are the treats, Salty? Where are the treats?” 

“Dammit, Pepper! I don’t know where the treats are!”

“Make there be treats!”

“Just keep barking! Maybe that will make the treats come.”

They continued barking and growling at the broken jar. The commotion riled up Falcor, who began screeching “Pretty boy want some peanut butter? Peanut butter! Peanut butter! I love you, peanut butter!” 

Finally, Salty and Pepper lay down with their back legs splayed out on the tiles, panting hard. 

“Well?” said Kitty.

“Well what?” growled Pepper.

“I kept up my end of the bargain. It wasn’t my fault the jar was empty. Now hand over Sock.”

“Ha!” barked Salty. “We don’t have your stupid Sock. We never did! We heard you crying about it and figured we’d use the situation to our advantage.”

“We outsmarted her, didn’t we, Salty?”

“Sure did, Pepper. Outsmarted her good.”

“But…” I watched Kitty’s bright green eyes fill with despair. “If you don’t have Sock, then who does?”

I thought of all the precious things that had been taken from me over the years. Wire twist ties. Rubber bands. Pieces of lint. Treasures snatched right out of my mouth and thrown away like so much garbage. “It’s gone, Kitty,” I said gently. “I’m sorry. It’s time to give up.”

“No,” she mewed. “It can’t be. Not my Sock…”

Just then, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. 

“She’s coming, Salty!” whined Pepper. “Oh, no. We’re in for it now!” 

“Keep your tail on, Pepper,” growled Salty. “And follow my lead.”

A moment later, the Broad set down the laundry basket she’d been carrying and looked at Salty and Pepper, who were innocently licking their crotches. But as soon as she spotted the broken jar, they cut the act. Pepper whimpered, while Salty began barking so excitedly, I thought he might pee on the floor. 

“We didn’t do nothin’! It was them two, ya see! Me and Pepper was minding our own business just like always, guarding the door in case any spooks showed up, when all of a sudden we hears a crash and I says to Pepper I says to him, Pepper, we better go see what the story is and —”

The Broad scooped up Salty and pet him until he calmed down. Then she opened the back door and let him and Pepper out into the yard. 

“She fell for it, Pepper!” Salty barked as he trotted outside. “Now come on. Let’s go dig holes and discuss Plan B.”

Kitty and I watched as the Broad swept up the shards of the broken treats jar, making an ‘Oof’ sound each time she bent over. When she finished, she brushed a few strands of white hair out of her face and dropped into a chair. Once she had caught her breath, she began slowly folding the clothes from the basket into a neat pile on the kitchen table.

Since there was a lap on offer, I decided it was a swell time for a nap. “I’m beat,” I said to Kitty. “What say you and I grab a little shuteye?”

But Kitty was too busy searching for Sock. Poor kid, I thought. She just didn’t know when to call it quits.

When I turned back to the Broad, she was holding up a thick, soft sweater with heavy buttons down the front. I recognized it as the one the Fella wore almost every day. I could still smell his scent on it, which reminded me of long afternoons spent on his lap, purring as he scratched my cheek just right. 

As she stared at the sweater, fat drops fell from the Broad’s eyes and trailed down her wrinkled cheeks. She pressed it to her face and made a noise like a yowl, but quieter. Her body began shaking like a leaf in a storm, making the loose, heavy buttons wiggle. 

I didn’t know what was wrong with her. But there was no time to think about that, because I had something much more urgent on my mind. 

There are two things I could never resist. One is a dame with the wrong kind of luck. The other is buttons.

***

I launched myself at the sweater and clamped my jaws down on a button, pulling it until it came free with a satisfying snap. Before the Broad could steal my prize, I raced across the table, hurtled straight into the pile of laundry and dove onto the floor. 

“Sock!” 

I landed hard, but I didn’t care about the pain. All that mattered was my precious button.

“Sock! You found Sock!”

Slowly, Kitty’s voice cut through my delirium. I looked up to see her pulling a frayed, gray sock from the tangle of laundry I’d knocked over. 

“You did it! Thank you, Dash. Thank you ever so much!” 

Suddenly, another sound caught my attention. The Broad was making a loud ‘Ha-ha’ noise, which I hadn’t heard her make in a very long time. She looked at me with my button, then at Kitty with her Sock, then at the laundry strewn all over the floor and, finally, at the broken treats jar still sitting in the dustpan, and began making the noise even louder. 

I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. But I’d learned a long time ago that trying to figure out a human was like chasing the light that raced along the floor on a windy day. 

When she’d finished, she wiped her face, knelt down and plucked the button out of my mouth. I gave her a few choice hisses, but I didn’t stay hot under the collar for long. She and I both knew it wouldn’t be the last time I got my paws on a button.

“Dash, help!” Kitty was lying on her belly, peering underneath the fridge. “I can’t reach it! Can you try?”

“You’ll have to do better than that, sweetheart,” I said, keeping my distance. “I won’t fall for the same trick twice.”

“Please! I was playing with Sock and it just went under! Oh, Dash, I can’t lose it all over again. I just can’t.”

Against my better judgement, I lay down next to her and reached my front paw in as far as it would go. I felt my leg bump against something small and soft, which rolled across the floor as I passed Kitty the mothball covered Sock. 

“You’re my hero, Dash. Twice over,” she said, touching her nose to mine.

I knew then that I’d go to the ends of the earth for this dame. As long as it wasn’t wet there.

Bouncy Ball had come to rest in the middle of the floor. It was covered in dust, but I could still make out the tiny teeth marks Cupcake had left. After all the hours I’d spent searching for it, it had been in the one place I was too scared to look. 

With an ‘Oof,’ the Broad picked it up and brushed it off. As she opened the back door to toss it outside, I could hear Salty and Pepper up to their usual scheming. 

“But won’t she catch us, Salty?”

“She’ll have to get past the trap first.”

“But what if she does?”

“Well, that’s what the diversion is for.”

“But even if we get the treats, she’ll know it was us that done it.” 

“That’s when the double bluff comes into play! Come on, Pepper. We’ve gone over it ten times. Ain’t you been paying attention?” 

“Look! A ball!”

As Kitty happily chewed on Sock, the Broad began pulling a collection of items out of the cupboards and setting them on the counter. There was a can of tuna, a packet of dried shrimp, a few slices of ham and a jar of peanut butter. When she noticed me watching her, she bent down and scratched my cheek with her cool, stiff fingers. Her eyes were still red and shining. 

I rubbed my face into her palm and purred. She wasn’t as good at cheek scratches as the Fella, but she wasn’t half bad either.

“What is all that,” asked Kitty, looking up at the food on the counter.

“Sweetheart,” I purred. “That’s the stuff that treats are made of.”

Emily Gennis has been swapping stories with friends for a few years and has recently begun dipping her toe into the choppy waters of publishing. Le Chat Noir was inspired by her two cats, Sunday and Daffodil.