By Buddy Loughlin
When the snow falls
I think of our 1st walk
I asked you
Our "forever" debate...lmao
Bad coffee, broke me
You paid, and I swore in my heart
To forever take care of you
Walked back
Your brown corduroy coat
Broken zipper
I wrapped my arms around you
You were cold
Stubborn so wouldn't admit it
But you know you were
Roommates thought I was slick, cool
You know my heart and know I am anything but that
I have my strengths, that not one
You bought me grey wool gloves that year
No woman had ever bought me... anything
It wasn't much, we didn't have much then
Treasured...more than you could ever know
Stressed when I couldn't find them
Carried them everywhere
I remember
Walking each year on that day
I carried them even when it was warm
Touching them in my pocket
And staring at you
That was my secret ritual
And though I grumped
It was a secret joy
It was our day
It was my day
The day I knew
Cry that cry that hurts & heals
To say the unsaid
parts we want to hide
the ugly stuff, the painful parts
cry that cry that hurts & heals
snot rolling mixed in with rivers of tears
perhaps stop living in regrets
and simply start living
accepting each other where we are
hold your hands as we reach
where we are meant to be
but together, always, forever
We dance different
Like Ice and fire
sweeping circles
always have
a tornado of emotions
we threw punches
at each other
when all we wanted
was to be held
to cry it out
scream & rage
we always worked better together
we could still
leave this place, and live our dream
some small farm somewhere
and join the ice and fire
to a gentle rain that becomes a pool
where we can drown ourselves in love again
surrender ourselves to each other
like we once did
back before we over complicated
a the garden overgrown
with weeds of unsaid things
thorns, and rotten regrets and insecurities
the music hasn't stopped
and I only know one dance partner
made for me
we may dance different
but we can dance together still
I am asking you to dance
Mind readers
Stand there staring
Holding back the words
The tears
Won't say what our hearts scream to
Expect the other to know the depths of pain, hurt
The dark parts we don't like to share
Because if we did, what then?
Accept or change
And we don't like change
But what of a disease, cancer
For that we want, demand change
But we sit in silent rage, grief
Wanting the other to simply know
Oh we have voices
We rage at the esoteric
Rather than the real
We defend to poor, marginalized
But not the deep, personal
Sacrificing the well of our soul
To feed whatever else
Always expecting the other to know what we truly need
What we think, feel, desire
When if we stopped running
from a fear of rejection
Shame
We could say the words
And Stop expecting mind readers
No more “what thens”
I don't want any more 'what thens'
Dwelling on my father's failures
Comparisons, mirror shows a different man
Every day spent 2nd guessing every thought
Decision
Wasted time I could spend elsewhere
On someone more deserving than the ghosts
Or some fractured figment of my tortured mind
Indecisions killing me
when bold is who I was meant to be
Once wolf now lion needs to be a mantra
Remind myself when hunger takes me
Reform my Pride, retake it
And the steps
For no more 'what thens'
Buddy Loughlin has been writing poetry for over 30 yrs. He is inspired by his amazing family, friends and his children.
Academy of the Heart And Mind 