By Rachel Fillar

Paint me by numbers, I’ll paint you too

Paint me by numbers, I'll paint you too
All of the shades, tones and hues
Put them down on paper
The ones that make up me & you.

From a boy in a Red hat
Reaching over, leaning closer to help
Pull the broken Grey handle of a door
For a girl who couldn’t do it herself.

A Black dress with a Pink ribbon
Hand in hand to a school of Green and Gold
Brown mud on the heels of my shoes
Where we got into trouble for breaking the rules

Short lived
It was there, then it wasn’t
Years went by, heard a song and I asked
“Do you still think of me or am I part of your past?”

Then Hazel eyes met Blue, unexpected in White painted halls 
Rose flushed cheeks
Back together
As if no time had passed at all.

A summer of Yellow and Orange flames
At the farm or with friends
Lit up your face
As I watched us begin again. 

Green, Orange and White running through 
Where Red blood should be. 
Questions, fights, late nights filling up my head
Black tears stained the pillows on my side of the bed.

Knelt down in a Red room
A White diamond in your hand
We were too young, still Green
As we danced slowly to the band. 

White house, Black shutters
Yard full of Purple Lilac trees
Where we brought our first son home
Where I fell to my knees.

I got lost in my own Blackness
Grey and Red all around
The fear in your face
A Blue and White hospital gown.

Red Flags in the sand
Blue water as far as we can see
A place of healing and sun
A place to return back to you & me.

Woke you up to 
Two little Pink lines, after years of trying
You held me and waited
For me to stop crying.

Cut through another soft Grey cord
With Purple streaks running though
Another baby boy, another life
Half me and half you.

Go into the woods
Carve Tan initials into the Brown bark of a tree
With a heart and a plead
Try to remind me of who we used to be.

Same Yellow and Orange flames
Now in our yard with two kids
They chase Golden fireflies
They keep them in a jar with a lid.

Sometimes I’m Navy and broken
I’m Crimson and sad,
Trying to break down the walls
The ones that I’ve always had.

But your patience is Lavender
Your forgiveness is Gold
Both are a gift
To have and to hold

To You

I’m running as fast as I can to you  
Away from the lesser version of me,   
The one I cannot seem to shake  
The one who has to remember to breathe.  
I’m running as fast as I can to you  
But time is not on my side,  
Your strides in the sand are wider than mine  
There’s no racing against this tide.  
I’m running as fast as I can to you  
Your pieces now falling into place,  
With gaps and bent edges created by me  
Bless me with forgiveness and grace.  
I’m running as fast as I can to you  
Through this land of torture and hell,  
For reason and logic are nowhere in sight  
I’m suffocating under the swell.  
I’m running as fast as I can to you  
Towards a new place without any fear,  
So that we may discover who we are  
For we aren’t compatible here.  
I’m running as fast as I can to you  
We’ll grow and change and shed our skin,  
Then I’ll set you free, wait and pray  
That you don’t follow my sin.

Rachel Fillar lives in the Greater Cleveland Area with her husband and two sons.


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