Younger Selves

By Aviva Derenowski

I'm going away.
Not very far,
across the globe,
to meet another me
who is confused and disoriented.
She grew up in a different country.

I'll lead her by the heart
to a place of belonging and self-appreciation.
I'll clear the fog and the cobwebs from her mind 
and watch her breathe
deeply, 
for the first time.

I'll listen to her fear, anxiety, loneliness, and constant struggle.
She feels like an outsider,
mocked, and told to be quiet.

I'll embrace her, whisper sweet things in her ear,
and remind her she's awesome.
I'll enjoy her intuition and wit
and beam at her insights.

We'll dance in her tiny room, 
float in the ocean close to the shore, and later go shopping.
I'll buy her the smartwatch she craves 
and five-finger shoes, as she's requested.

I'm here to provide, integrate, 
and forgive others for their limited understanding and lack of appreciation.

We will sing, my younger self and I.
Sometimes we won't agree on a topic because she has a mind of her own,
and we'll include all our perceptions and opinions.

We'll whisper secrets from our luscious hearts.
We'll caress each other appreciating the body that changed in the years that passed; 
We'll kiss each other over wounds and scars, which will turn into health and vigor.
We'll tremble when we recall the times we spent in horrible places 
and what we thought were terrible people, 
but we'll giggle because it was all part of the past,
Part of the big plan for our healing.

I'll help her understand that 
all the malice and labeling 
have come from a place of ignorance.

We all struggle to accept the ones who are not like us.

We are all diverse, complicated, and self-doubting.

We will grow into unity and harmony,
not by eradicating parts of us, 
suppressing and squeezing our glorious beings to fit into an imaginary model,
but by becoming One that includes us all.

There is room for bullies; they hurt and need expression.
There is room for violence; they have energy and don't know how to express it otherwise.
There is room for hate; they are fearful of the unknown
There is room for love.
There is room for so much love.

I'm grateful for the energy which brought us together and keeps us apart so that we can learn from each other how to connect and be intimate.

I'm thankful to my mother, who assisted me daily for the last twenty-five years of her life. The mother, my younger self didn't know since the grief she felt for losing my father blinded her from connecting to my mother. She lashed at my mother at any opportunity she had.

I'm grateful to my father, whom my younger self knew. He's a fading memory in my heart.

I'm grateful to Vipassana Meditation and my teacher Goenkaji, who teaches me to see reality as it is moment by moment.

In a week, I'll return to a future that will become my present.

I wonder about the woman who will remember me the way I am today -
her younger self.

I'm going away.
Not very far,
across the globe,
to meet another me.