Running to Find the Me in Me

By Elizabeth Sams

I feel disconnected and dismayed/ on this roller coaster ride/ but you love roller coasters/ what I  thought/ we were going to do today/ in my milky way of thought/ is not what you thought/ and that seems/ to happen so often now/ the disconnect/ the complexity/ the widening river running through/ the dissonance/ between you and me/ that seemed so impossible/ six short weeks ago/ before everything changed/ and you put your love on hold/ or gave it away/ to someone more.The distance/ seems/ to be growing/ out of control/ so many distractions in our lives/ no desire/ to just be/ and let be/ always the need/ to debate/ and deflect/ and never/ deal with the elephant/ in the room/ that is growing/ day by day/ taking over/ our lives/ taking over/ our days/ and our nights/ the silence/ between the rows/ is deafening/ I need to run.

But I can’t seem to do it / run, that is / and maybe destroy all that may be left of what made me get up in the morning and sleep safely and protected at night / have I wrapped myself so tightly in you / melted into you / so all of me is lost now / is anonymity what I desire / is it more important to have you than to be me / I feel confused, impotent and clearly unable to cope / this is foreign to all that we have known / like a rocky horror picture show / I am melting away like ice-cream on a park bench in the summer sun / and you are not blocking those rays / I need you to really see me like you used to/ see who I am at the core of my being that used to be your core/ that used to be the center of all that you desired/ but I am begging now/ does it seem like begging to you/ I don’t want to beg/ you hate begging like you hate grapefruit/ I need to run.And so, I run/ run like the proverbial wind/ away/ far away/ from all that I have known for so long/for days and weeks I run/ but as I run away/ I start to feel like I am running forward/ toward something/ I feel sad/ but I feel no regret/ I feel free/ no longer entrapped by your smothering horror picture ice-cream melting love/ no longer suffering the roller coaster of your life/ able to be the me in me/ now I can ride the carousel horses because I love carousel horses/ up, down/ up, down/ in their own rhythm/ in my rhythm/ hearing music I like/ no more disconnect/ no longer discombobulated/ no elephants on my carousel/ I run/ hair flying/ the sun on my face/ going toward a new life/ a life that I will build/ alone/ strong/ not reliant on anyone to complete me/ I will choose when and where and how. I will run just because I like to run.