By Kelli J Gavin
I wonder if he knows. I wonder every single day. I watch him as he brushes his teeth and shaves. I watch him as he removes his wedding ring and puts lotion on his hands. I watch him as he gathers his dress shirt and tie and heads downstairs each morning for breakfast. Today, he stood in front of the coffee maker brewing a cup of coffee that he won’t even truly enjoy. He tolerates caffeine as means to help wake him up each day. He stood staring at the cabinet door as if it held some long desired secret that was about to be disclosed.
He ate in silence and I continued to watch him. Today is the day. Today is the day I tell him. The day I tell him what I have been thinking about and how I feel about everything that has happened. Will he be able to hear me? Will he be able to really understand everything that I have to say? Will my worries and concerns fall on deaf ears? Will he hear what he wants to hear? Will he internalize it and become distant and silent all over again?
The questions seem to mount by the moment. It overwhelms me how fast my brain continues to form new complaints. How my brain finds any possible rabbit trail and always chooses to go down it.
I wonder how long at this point I have been standing here, still, just watching him, when I realize he is watching me. And then his eyes meet mine. He smiles. That beautiful half smile that makes me melt a bit inside. The smile that quickly meets his eyes and I know he means it. That he is genuinely happy to see me standing there in the kitchen. As if it is different from any other day. But that smile gets me every time. My tense shoulders seem to relax a bit. I am no longer biting down and feeling pain in my jaw. My heart softens. I love this man that looks at me. This man that smiles at me. This man that loves me.
When the weight of the world seems not to weigh so much anymore. His love, his smile does that for me. It is sincere. It is true. Maybe the only truth that I know. Right now, my worries and what I am concerned about don’t seem to be as important. They are still true, and real and they matter. But the weight, the heft of it all is less. And less is exactly what I need. Less worry. Less stress. Less. I need more sleep. More love. More time to abide. I need him. Every day. I need him. The one that settles my restless heart. The one that smiles and my cares don’t seem so huge. That smile. That smile is everything.
Kelli J Gavin lives in Carver, Minnesota with Josh, her husband of an obscene amount of years and they have two crazy kids. She is a Writer, Professional Organizer and owns Home & Life Organization. You can find her work with The Inner Circle Writers’ Group, The Ugly Writers, Sweatpants & Coffee, Writing In a Woman’s Voice, The Writers Newsletter, Writer’s Unite!, Academy of the Heart and Mind, The Rye Whiskey Review, Spillwords, Mercurial Stories, 121 Words, Hickory Stump, Rabid Oak, HerStry, Ariel Chart, The Basil O’Flaherty, PPP Ezine, Southwest Media, Otherwise Engaged, Story Pub, and The New Ink Review, among others.
Find Kelli on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @KelliJGavin
Blog found at kellijgavin.blogspot.com