Blue

By Rachel Wilson

Bobby McKenna says I can’t like blue because I’m a girl so I tell him blue’s my favorite color. He tells me girls are supposed to like pink and I ask him why and he says because it’s a girl color and I tell him that’s silly I don’t like pink. I like blue because it’s the color of the sky and water and he points and laughs because water doesn’t have a color and then it’s my turn to laugh because I can tell he’s never seen the ocean.

Mom takes me to the ocean sometimes and we scrunch the sand between our toes and build castles to live in with big moats around them to keep out strangers. I collect seashells and rocks I find in the sand and push them into the castle to make it look pretty. It’s hard to get them to stick and sometimes they fall off but Mom adds water and magic and makes everything perfect. I ask Mom if we can stay in our castle forever and she smiles and says how about we stay in it for now.

We eat blueberries out of cups and hide them from seagulls. Blueberries are my favorite food because they’re blue. They turn my mouth blue and my fingers blue and Mom always says be careful not to get it on my clothes but I don’t mind because I think the blue makes them better.

I wish I had more blue clothes like Mom. She has a blue scarf she wears on her head and sometimes when we’re in the car I hold on to it from behind and pretend to steer. Mom tells me go left or go right and I tug at her scarf in just the right way and it works and we turn. She smiles and tells me I did a good job but watch out for that car and I pull back on her scarf and it slips off her head. Mom doesn’t mind, though. She just pulls it back up.

At home I ask Mom if I can try on her scarf and she says no because she misses her hair but I tell her hair just gets in the way and can I please try it on. She says yes and I put it on and feel beautiful. I say I’m only going to wear blue from now on and she laughs and takes the scarf back and ties it around her head and I tell her she should only wear blue too.

I pull all of my clothes out of my closet and throw them on the floor in piles except for the blue stuff which I keep. I tell Mom I don’t want the rest and she laughs and asks why and I tell her this way we’ll always be matching.

For my birthday Grandma gives me a blue dress and I put it on and twirl around and think it’s perfect. I think Mom told Grandma that I only wear blue now because Grandma doesn’t wear a lot of blue and I don’t think she likes it. Grandma likes Wheel of Fortune and playing Go Fish and eating string cheese.

Grandma lives with us now and I ask her why and she says because she wants to be close to us. Later I ask Mom and she says it’s because she’s tired. I hug Mom and tell her maybe she should take more naps and she smiles and says she’ll try.

Grandma sleeps in my room because she says the couch is bad for her back. She goes to bed with her socks on because her feet get cold and sometimes at night she talks in her sleep and I wake up and ask what’s the matter and she says something about cats.

We have a cat named Pirate who sleeps on the floor in my room. He followed me home from school and I named him myself when I was young and liked pirates. I don’t like the name Pirate anymore and I ask Mom if I can change it to something blue like River or Ocean but she says he already knows his name and it wouldn’t be nice to change it now.

Instead I make a blue collar out of paper and string and tie it around his neck and show him to Grandma but she tells me to put him outside because his hair gets all over everything. I don’t mind though because his hair is soft.

I ask Mom if I can take him to school and she says no and I ask why and she says because some people are allergic. I tell her I’ll make sure he stays on my lap and she says I should draw a picture instead and I do. I grab blue crayons and paper and sit down next to Pirate and try to draw him just right. When I’m done I show it to Mom and ask her if it’s okay to take this to school and she nods and I ask if people will be allergic and she laughs and says probably not.

Grandma picks me up from school and I show her my picture and tell her Bobby McKenna didn’t like it and she says that Bobby just doesn’t understand art. She takes me with her to book club and I sit in the corner and eat jelly beans out of the bowl Mrs. Goldstein keeps on the table. I dig out the blue ones and eat them one at a time but Grandma tells me to stop because it’s not nice to put my hands all over things other people eat.

On Fridays Mom and Grandma and I used to go to temple but Mom doesn’t go anymore so it’s just me and Grandma. We sit in the middle on gray chairs and I draw pictures on the carpet with my toes. The lady up front plays music and sings. I can’t understand what she says but I don’t mind because her voice is pretty and reminds me of water. Grandma mouths the words. I don’t think she likes to sing.

The man wearing a tallit up front with the lady starts talking and asks if anyone has any names they’d like people to think about and an old man stands up and then a young girl and then Grandma and she says Mom’s name. I ask her why she’s talking about Mom and she says not now but I ask again and she says because it might help. I ask her if Mom needs help and she says not to worry.

Grandma talks to Mrs. Goldstein and another lady whose name I can’t remember and I bury my head in Grandma’s skirt because I’m tired and I want to go home. Mrs. Goldstein gives Grandma a hug and tells her if she needs anything to just ask and I say I need to go home and Mrs. Goldstein nods and pats my head.

Grandma sleeps in Mom’s room now and I’m cold all by myself so I drag Pirate onto the bed and wrap my arms around him. He purrs in my ear and licks my cheek and his breath smells like honey and fish. I kiss his fur and tell him maybe we can visit Mom tomorrow.

I’m not allowed to bring Pirate to see Mom because Grandma said so. I tell her it’s not fair and she tells me those are the rules but when she’s not looking I sneak Pirate into the car and try to buckle him in. Grandma catches me and puts Pirate back in the house. I ask her why he can’t come and she says because he’s dirty and sick people need to be in a clean place and I ask if Mom’s sick and she says yes. I tell her when I’m sick Mom makes me soup and Grandma says Mom’s not that kind of sick so maybe I should bring her something else. Then I remember the picture I drew of Pirate and bring that.

Mom tells me she loves it and asks the nurse to hang it up on the wall by her bed. I curl up next to mom and put my head on her chest and purr like a cat. I swipe at her scarf the way Pirate does and Mom laughs and then coughs and Grandma picks me up off the bed and puts me on a chair. I tell her I want to be next to Mom but Grandma says Mom needs to rest. Mom tells me to pull the chair up next to her and I do and she holds my hand.

Grandma wants me to eat my string cheese but I tell her I only eat blue foods and she tells me to stop being silly but Mom says I can have her blue Jell-O. The nurse always brings Mom Jell-O with her dinner but she doesn’t like it because it’s wriggly so she lets me have it because I like that it’s wriggly. I want all my food to be wriggly and blue.

Mom tells me to give Pirate a kiss from her but her voice sounds quiet and I ask her what’s wrong and she says she just doesn’t feel well. Grandma tells me it’s time to go and I tell Mom I hope she feels better soon so she can come home. Then Grandma takes my hand and we leave. At home I pet Pirate and tell him Mom misses him and that she has a picture of him next to her bed. I think this makes him happy because he rolls onto his back like he wants me to rub his belly.

Grandma picks me up early from school but I don’t want to go because I’m playing handball with Bobby McKenna and I’m winning. She says it’s important and we have to go now and I ask my teacher Mr. Kyle if I have to and he nods but he doesn’t say anything.

Pirate’s glad I’m home early and he walks in circles around my legs and meows until I sit down and he crawls in my lap. He paws at my nose and I breathe on his face and he twitches his whiskers.

Grandma talks on the phone and I tug on her sleeve because I want to go outside and draw with chalk but she tells me to wait. I take out my chalk and wait in the kitchen but Grandma’s still on the phone so I draw blue flowers on the cabinets. Grandma comes in and puts her hands on her hips like she does when she’s mad but instead of yelling she just hugs me and I feel her cheek against mine and it’s wet.

Grandma tells me to eat something green and I remind her I only eat blue things and she sighs and says there aren’t a lot of blue foods. I pick at the green stuff with my fork and try to get Pirate to eat some but he doesn’t want any either.

I tell Grandma I’m done and she tells me to put on the dress she picked out but it’s black. I tell Grandma I only wear blue and she tells me people don’t wear blue to these kinds of things and I ask her what kinds of things and she doesn’t say anything but she lets me wear Mom’s scarf.

Grandma parks and we get out of the car and I tell her the dress is itchy and I have to go to the bathroom. She tells me to hold it and to come with her. I follow her and kick the brown grass and watch the dirt fly up and Grandma tells me to stop because I’ll get my dress dirty but I don’t mind because my dress is black and maybe I want it to be dirty.

We go inside and Grandma tells me to sit down in a chair in the back and wait for her. Grandma goes up to the front of the room with all the other people and I see Mrs. Goldstein and Bobby McKenna’s mom but then I lose sight of Grandma. I really need to go to the bathroom so I go to find her. Everyone’s crowded around something and I can’t see Grandma and strangers are talking and shuffling their feet and I pull the blue scarf tight around my head until I can’t hear them or see them and I sit on the ground with my head on my knees and I breathe and I breathe and I breathe until Grandma finds me and tells me we can go.

I finally get rid of the black dress and put on my bluest bathing suit and goggles and Grandma drives us to the ocean. The waves are loud and cold and foamy and they splash around my ankles and my tummy and I dunk my head under and the whole world is blue.

Grandma tries to help me build a sand castle by the water but really I help her because she’s not very good at it. We pack the sand into buckets and build towers and I teach her how to make the shells stick to the sides. Grandma says the castle is the nicest house she’s ever seen and that she wants to live there. She asks me if I could if I’d want to live in the castle forever and I think maybe I would or maybe just for now but then a wave rolls in and pulls the bottom out from under the castle and the shells fall down. I watch as the castle sinks into the sand and disappears and is gone, and there’s nothing I can do to bring it back.

Rachel Wilson (she/her) earned her MFA in Writing for Screen and Television from the University of Southern California. Her play Narwhals and Other Things I’m Sorry For was a finalist in the Tennessee Williams & New Orleans Literary Festival One-Act Play Writing Contest. She currently lives with her cat and writes down the stories that haunt her brain.