Saved Indeed

By Cory Liebmann

Jasper gripped the clipboard and scanned up and down the sidewalk, looking for a soul to save. Why do they send us out so early on the weekend? And in this weather. He exhaled and watched his breath turn to frost. 

A middle-aged woman exited a small cafe, bundled up so tight that Jasper could hardly see her face. She spotted him through the steam rising from her to-go coffee and made a dramatic move away.

“Excuse m-“

“Not interested!” She yelled while walking away.

“Ma’am, I only want to as—”

She turned toward him, irritation emerging from behind her layers.

“Look, kid, I’m in no mood to join a cult today!” 

She spun around like a top and stomped around the corner. 

Jasper felt wounded, but he was getting used to this reaction. He tried to move past it by repeatedly looking up and down the block. 

He panned back and forth and saw his classmates. They looked like lonely little smoking chimneys scattered all over the area. One of them was Amber, his girlfriend, and he could see her hugging herself and bouncing around, trying to stay warm. It looked like no souls would be saved with this wind chill.

He finally spotted an older gentleman huddled in the bus shelter in front of the hospital. He looked again for his classmates, hoping they didn’t spot him first. 

Jasper picked up his pace, his breath steaming a trail behind him like an old locomotive. As he got closer to the bearded man, he guessed he was in his 60s or 70s. 

Looking up at Jasper with a jolly smile, he took off his glasses, trying to clear away the fog. 

“It looks like I could use a defroster, huh?” 

Jasper grinned politely, cleared his throat, and prepared to engage. 

“Sir?” he said as he nervously scratched at his chin. 

The man noticed Jasper clutching a plastic clipboard so tight that he could see red gathering in his knuckles. 

“Would you mind if I asked you a few questions while you wait?” His voice shook, and he told himself that it was just the cold affecting his vocal cords.

“You selling something?” The man asked.

“No. I’m a student from Independence on the north side of town.” 

“Ahhh…IBC.” 

“Yes, Independence Bible College…I have a questionnaire…” 

“Go ahead, young man…but you should really wear gloves in this kind of weather.” 

Jasper noticed the nasal-driven sound of his voice and a clear accent from the upper Midwest. Studying 1,000 miles from home, Jasper was always startled to hear the familiar sound. His initial surprise turned to a subtle feeling of kinship, almost like speaking to a relative. 

“They’ll be OK. My gloves are too thick to use this pen.”

“Well, with this wind chill, your pen may not work either,” the man laughed. “So, what do ya have for me?” 

“If you were to die today—”

“Whoa, do you know something I don’t?” The man laughed again, looking around like he had an audience. 

“No, sir, it’s just a question,” he said with a strained smile. Jasper’s eyes were refixed on his clipboard, and he tried to continue. 

 “How sure are you about where you will go? 100%, 50, or something else?”  

“What was your name, son?”

“Jasper, sir.”

“Hi Jasper, my friends call me Doc. Let me ask you another question. After you finish and make notes on your scri—”

“Questionnaire.”

“Well, OK, questionnaire. What do you do with the data? I’m curious.”

Jasper was stumped. Speechless. He’d fielded lots of questions and reactions when he went out witnessing but nothing quite like this. Jasper could only alternate his blank stare between his

clipboard and Doc’s round face. He found himself again thoughtlessly scratching his chin. It was one of the two nervous ticks he hoped he could eventually overcome. The other was overusing the word, indeed in awkward conversations.

“Jasper, you aren’t really compiling this data for any kind of study, are you? I mean… It’s not really going to be used later, is it?” 

“Ummm,” Jasper tapped his pen on the clipboard.

 “You’re using this questionnaire as a tool…a device to proselytize, right?”

“Proselytize? I’m not sur—”

“Witness. You’re trying to convert people? Right?”

“That’s right,” Jasper said. 

“Do ya think it’s a good idea to introduce your faith to people by starting with a deception?”

“Hey! I’m not—”

Doc raised his hands, showing Jasper his palms. “I’m sorry, my boy. I shouldn’t be so blunt. I know you were sent out here with this stuff…But tell me, don’t you think you should just come out and tell people?”

Jasper felt both relief and defeat when he noticed the oncoming bus. 

“Looks like I’m out of time.” 

“Yup, I don’t want to freeze to death but look for me next time. Lately, I’ve been here every morning.”

“OK.” 

Doc grabbed the railing, pulled himself up the bus stairs, and turned his head. “Think about what I said, Jasper. Next time lose the clipboard.” 

Jasper stood there staring at where the bus had been. 

“How’d it go? Jas…Hello? Earth to Jasper…Hey!” 

Jasper snapped out of his trance and felt Amber tugging on his coat sleeve. 

“Oh! Sorry, it was OK. Caught him a little too late. The bus came.” 

She looked up with a twinkle in her eyes. “At least you got to speak with someone! I was just standing over there trying to keep myself warm.”

“I saw,” Jasper said with a smile. 

“They decided to call it quits. Too cold, and there’s nobody to talk to. The van is waiting to take us back to campus.” 

Jasper nodded and walked with Amber up the sidewalk toward the van, but his thoughts were still with the old man.  

“Whoops!” Amber yelled as she slipped on a sliver of ice and grabbed Jasper’s arm. Once she had it, she wouldn’t let go. 

“It’s so cold and icy out here!” She said. 

“Indeed…it is.” 

Amber looked at him and smiled, “I think it’s so cute when you say that!” 

The van dropped everyone off at the chapel parking lot when they arrived. Jasper walked Amber over to the women’s dorm. She ever so slowly drifted closer to him as they went. He knew what she wanted, and it wasn’t unreasonable. They were dating, after all. She wanted him to show some modest public display of affection. Anything. Just like every other couple on campus. She

waited for him to make the first move as they lightly bumped arms. Jasper felt the internal pressure as his body became increasingly rigid. The same sad cycle repeated, and he wondered how much more of this Amber could take. Then she slipped again, grabbing his coat sleeve. He was filled with guilt, depressed by another failure. 

As they reached the door and said goodnight, Jasper could sense Amber’s frustration as they parted ways, and he shared it. Every time this happened, he was overcome with fear and self-doubt. 

“What’s wrong with me!”

The following day Jasper again rode in the unmarked white van with 11 other students from his class. Amber called him earlier, telling him she wasn’t going out this time. She said it was the cold weather, but Jasper assumed it was about his latest failure. He couldn’t blame her one bit if she were upset with him. But he hoped that Amber would just give him some more time. Time to

figure it all out. 

The students poured out of the van half a block from the hospital, and Jasper saw someone sitting in the bus shelter. He started speed-walking toward what he hoped was Doc. He still felt a little thrown off by their previous interaction but also intrigued. At the moment, he could use almost any kind of distraction. 

When Jasper got to the bus shelter, he saw Doc sitting there. He was eating something steaming hot out of a brown paper bag. 

“Hello again! Can you see me through all that?” Jasper asked, trying to be playful rather than pushy. 

“Oh, glad you came back, Jasper,” he said with a jolly cadence.

“Wow, you remembered my name?”

“Well, when someone is trying to save your eternal soul, you should probably remember them!” He laughed as he adjusted his glasses. 

Jasper thought about how happy this man seemed. He envied him for that. Jasper was there to proclaim the Good News, but inside, he didn’t feel good. How can I convert someone if he’s happier than I am, Jasper thought as he stared at the heat rising from the paper bag. 

“You want some?” Doc asked.

“What is it?” 

“Fried cheese curds!”. 

“What?” Jasper exclaimed. “They have those around here?”

Doc blushed a little so Jasper could see more color emerging behind his beard. 

“I always bring a supply when I return from my hometown, and I warmed up this batch in the hospital before I left. Comfort food!”

“So you are from Wisconsin, aren’t you!” 

“Yup! And based on your accent, I’m guessing you are too.” 

Jasper smiled and nodded his head.

“Well, come over and get some cheese curds, son, before they get cold!” 

Jasper held out his hand, and Doc tumbled in a generous, portion. 

“Where you from in Wisconsin?” Jasper asked. 

“Mo-wau-kee,” he said, looking up as if waiting for a reaction.

Jasper laughed out loud. “Me too! If I would’ve heard that pronunciation, I wouldn’t have even asked!” 

“I know your bus is coming soon. But can I go back to my initial conversation with you?”

“Sure, but I see you still have that clipboard.”

“But you’ve noticed I haven’t looked at it yet, right?”

He nodded his head.

“You told me that I should just speak from my heart, right?”

“I did.” 

“Well, when I was little, my mom and I were homeless. I didn’t fully understand being so young, but I could still feel the hopelessness. Then a minister brought us into his church and his own home. I think he saved both my life and my soul.”

“Amazing grace” Doc said nodding. 

“It’s like a light went on inside me, and that’s when the passion grew, it overcame me, and I wanted to do nothing more than to share it.” 

Doc seemed riveted to Jasper even after he finished speaking. Jasper noticed a glassiness in his eyes. 

Are those tears? He wondered.  

Finally, speaking after a long pause, “you really were saved, weren’t you, Jasper?”

Jasper felt a tribal connection to Doc earlier, but now he felt something more profound, familial, spiritual. 

“Indeed,” Jasper said.

“I hate to say I told you so, but I was right. That story…you should lead with that, not some canned gimmick that someone taught you in Evangelism 101.” 

Jasper recognized the meaning in his words, but he was distracted. I never told him the name of my class, he thought. 

Jasper scratched his jawline and asked, “Uhmm…You know I’m from the college, but how did you know the name of my class?” 

“Well, IBC has been sending its freshman across town for a long time,” he chuckled.

Jasper could feel his face scowl, “Sorry Doc, I don’t buy it. How could you know the name of the class?” 

“OK, you told me part of your story, and I should fess up and tell you a part of mine.” 

Jasper lowered his back against the hard cold metal of the shelter.

“I moved up here from Wisconsin after graduating high school. Just like you. I was a student at IBC all those decades ago. Not just a student but a leader. I got myself credentialed as a minister and even took a youth pastor job not far from here.”

All kinds of thoughts and questions flooded Jasper’s mind. Because Doc initially challenged him, Jasper assumed he wasn’t a believer. Maybe he was a believer at one time but had backslidden out of the faith, or perhaps it was something different. 

Jasper groaned out, “I’m confused, Doc.”

“Look, son, life can be complicated, and it teaches you lessons. Even if you think you’ve got it all figured out. Things are never so black and white…all one way or the other.” 

“But you’re still living here in town? I’ve never seen you on campus or at any of the churches affiliated with the college,” Jasper said. 

“That’s because I haven’t set foot on campus in 40 years, and I don’t attend any church.” 

Jasper tried to stifle the bubbling up self-righteousness. “So, you’re backslidden? No longer a belie—”

“Don’t mistake membership in some group for real faith. Shedding all those manmade judgments was the best thing for me. I’m more a believer now than I ever was.”

Jasper felt like he’d been hit with a mallet, dazed, speechless and confused. He saw Doc lift himself up from the bench and gesture to the oncoming bus.

“I’m glad you came back to talk with me, Jasper. My invitation stands open. If you want to talk some more, you’ll probably find me here at this time, at least for a few more weeks,” he said.

Jasper nodded but said nothing as the old man boarded the bus. Before the doors closed, Doc looked back at Jasper with the most empathetic eyes he had ever seen.

Jasper sat in his dorm room, looking at the wall. He continued to struggle with Doc’s words. He wrestled with his entire story. He had fostered a worldview made of absolutes, but the words Doc spoke planted a seed of doubt that grew and troubled him. Troubled him because he knew deep down that it might be true. He could feel the internal conflict long before he met this guy.

Still, until now, he was able to overwhelm it with religiosity. Now he sat staring at the jail-like cinderblock walls feeling like something was going to break through. Something he had been avoiding. Something terrifying. 

Jasper felt like a zombie for the rest of the day, and only later that night did it occur to him that he hadn’t spoken to Amber since early that morning. 

“It’s getting too late. I’ll call her first thing tomorrow”. 

“Hello?” Amber answered. 

“Morning. What time should I meet you? Wanna walk over to grab breakfast?” 

“Jasper, is there a reason that you didn’t call me yesterday?”

“I’m sorry…After going out with the class, I just didn’t feel right. I needed to rest. Maybe it was the cold. You were smart to sta—” 

“Jas, why don’t we just meet at the chapel? We need to talk.”

“Oh… OK.” Jasper heard her disconnect the call.

He knew that this was big trouble. The chapel was used for daily services for the student body, but it was also where relationships went to die—a place for couples to break up.

Jasper walked tentatively into the darkened sanctuary like he was walking to his own execution. He saw Amber coming across from the other side. Even in the darkness, he could see the pained look on her face and feared the worst.

They sat on a pew in the back.

“Jasper, I really like you a lot. You’re a man of God and a great guy in so many ways.”

Oh no, Jasper thought and then rebuked himself for jumping to the worst possible scenario. 

“I don’t want to hurt you….”

I can’t believe it, he thought, here it comes. Here it comes! 

“But this just isn’t working, and I think we need to break…break up,” she said with a tremble. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Jasper said.” I’ve never done this befo—” 

“But we can still be good friends,” she said.

Jasper’s thoughts were a jumbled mess. Not because Amber was breaking up with him but because he realized that he actually felt relief. 

What’s wrong with me? He asked himself. One of the prettiest sweetest girls on campus loved me, and I sabotaged it. And now I feel good? Anxiety built to a rapid crescendo as if his life were on the line. What is this malfunction? He thought. It’s gonna take down my ministry before it even starts! My entire future! 

A cloud of doom descended on Jasper. He felt emotion—so many emotions that he had never felt

before building like a pressure cooker. Hissing, seeping out through tensing muscles and tearing eyes.

“Oh… OK…Uhm…we can….”

Amber’s tears were replaced by a genuine look of concern for him. She had never seen him so disoriented.

He couldn’t hold back the pressure anymore. It was ready to blow. He sprung up, turned around, and ran right into the exit door, smashing his face and smelling blood. He glanced back and saw a raw expression of horror on Amber’s face as she held her hand over her mouth. He turned back around, burst out the doors with explosive force, and ran across the gravel parking lot. He only ran a few steps before the sobbing started. He let out emotions but with no sounds or words. But it was coming, and he couldn’t let anyone see him. He grabbed a random bike from a nearby rack, jumped on it, and took off. He didn’t know where he was going, but Jasper knew he had to escape. As he rode, he finally heard his own voice crying out. 

“Why! Why God!” He wept bitterly. “What’s wrong with me!” 

Jasper pedaled aimlessly. He was a rambling wreck around town. The furious physical exertion did seem to bring his emotions down from complete overload. 

He looked up and saw the bus shelter. He saw Doc sitting there again. Almost like it was a divine appointment. He raced to the shelter but didn’t really know why. He hit the brakes so hard that he flew off the bike and lay prostrate on the sidewalk. 

“Oh, Dear Lord!” Doc yelled. “Jasper, son, is that you? Are you OK?” 

Jasper grabbed the bench in the shelter, trying to lift himself up. He could see his reflection. He saw blood and glistening sweat on his forehead. 

Doc took out a handkerchief and began to clean Jasper’s face while he tried his best to help him onto the bench. Jasper looked up and couldn’t speak for a moment.

“Some…something is wrong…with me…terribly wro—” 

“Oh, my boy.” The old man pulled him in. “Sweet, sweet boy. You’re OK. You’re OK just as you are,” he said, patting Jasper on the back. “Nothing is wrong with you…Let go. Just let it

all out.” 

Jasper could feel the comfort spreading all over his body and he was finally able to calm down. 

A bus started coming toward the stop, but Doc waved it away.

“No,” Jasper said. “I don’t want you to miss yo—”

“There will always be another one. Let’s take you in the hospital and ge—” 

“I’m not that hurt.” 

“I know, but we can just go in my spouse’s room and get you cleaned up. Maybe talk it through.” 

“Your spouse?” Jasper asked, feeling guilty that he never even asked why he was always at the hospital bus stop. 

“Is she sick?” he asked.

Doc paused, scratched his beard, and said, “Yes. I’m afraid Leslie is very sick…terminal, they say.”

“Oh, no. And I’m troubling you with my drama….”

“Don’t you worry about that. You met me for a reason. I think you know that…I do.”

He put his arm around Jasper, and they walked together into the hospital. When they walked into the room, Jasper saw a curtain drawn around the entrance side of the bed. Doc walked over, grabbing one end.

“Les, we have an extraordinary guest. The young man I’ve been telling you about.” He pulled the curtain back toward the front end of the bed.

Jasper looked confused at the patient looking back at him. It was a man with salt & pepper hair, weathered pale skin, and wrinkles spidering across his drawn face. He looked weak, but Jasper still saw an irresistible sparkling in his eyes. 

This is his spouse? Jasper asked himself, with his mouth agape. 

As soon as he asked the question, decades of memories flashed through his mind. Or were these things from the future? But who’s future? Jasper, confused, saw visions of two young men on a date, the thrill of a first kiss, marriage, even children, but how? and a lifetime of companionship, joy, and contentment. 

Finally, managing to speak. Jasper looked over to Doc and asked, “This…this is your spouse?”

Doc looked down at Leslie lying there, filtered his beard with his fingertips and looked back at Jasper. 

“Indeed…indeed he is.” 

Cory Liebmann has been a minister, a private detective, a political operative, and a long list of other things. He is a Wisconsin native now living in the D.C. area with his husband and two young children. His short story, “Apostate,” was published by A Thin Slice of Anxiety. Find him on Twitter @cjliebmann