Life

By Carla Dias

Everybody wonders, at some point in our lives, if we could turn back the clock, what we would change.

Well, I would change some things because (and please, don’t say you have no regrets! Everyone has regrets!) I have made some questionable decisions. I’m human so it’s in my nature to make the wrong decisions. Now that I know I’m an adult and I can take care of myself (the most obvious sign is my paycheck at the end of the month) I realize that I’ll probably keep committing terrible decisions. However, there was one horrific decision I took that almost cost me my life. I think God sent me an angel to watch over me and save me.

I was only fifteen years old when life threw at me the most painful strike a teenager can suffer. I was known in our neighborhood as the tom-boy girl. I was on school holidays and that morning I was outside with my friends. I’ve always hated being inside the house.

Suddenly I heard my mother call my name while I was showing off my abilities to my football group of friends. I rushed through the door and ran to her bed. She asked me to help her get to the toilet. Once we got there, my mother slipped through my arms and fell over. I was only fifteen years old. I could not hold her. I tried to pick her up and take her to bed but she fainted. I was not strong enough. I left her lying on the floor and ran to call my neighbor.

“Where’s your father?” My neighbor asked me while running to our rest room.

“I don’t know. I think he walked into town.”

My neighbor pushed me away from my mother and said, “Go get him as fast as you can.”

“What’s wrong with my mother?”

“Go, please. Now.”

We lived about ten minutes from the center. I ran as fast as I could and looked for my father in all the places he could be. Finally I saw him through the window of a coffee shop.

“Daddy, you have to come home now.”

“Wait. Slow down. Didn’t I teach you not to interrupt a conversation?”

“Please, daddy. Mom is not well. She fell over. We need to get her to the hospital.” I grabbed my father’s hand and pushed him out of the coffee shop.

We did not have a car, so we walked all the way back home. After walking five minutes an ambulance passed us and I recognized my neighbor sitting in the front seat. “Daddy let’s go to the hospital,” I said to my father. “Mom is in that ambulance.”

“How do you know?”

“Let’s hurry, dad.”

As soon as we got to the hospital, my father headed inside. He told me to wait for him outside. The clock froze. My heart iced up. I was pacing the floor, waiting for some news, praying for my mother to return home, safe and sound. A fifteen-year-old girl shouldn’t pray to God to save her mother, I thought. Why the hell didn’t I realize my mother was in pain? Could I have helped her sooner? Why didn’t I stay at home that day? Why did I let my friends persuade me to play football with them? I’m such a fool.

Sitting on the floor with my back against the cold wall, I held my head with my hands as if they could hold my world together. The image of my mother slipping through my arms and onto the floor tormented me.

When I looked at my feet, I saw a shadow. My father stood in front of me, crying. At that exact moment I knew I had lost my mother.

“No, dad.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“No, please God. No.”

“I’m so sorry but we lost her.” He hugged me and I let myself hide for a few seconds thinking I was dreaming. Soon enough I would wake up in my mother’s bedroom and see her resting and smiling at me.

My father said, “I have to go inside, sweetie. Wait here for me.”

I saw him walking inside. I stood there staring at him and thinking, ‘I will be with you soon, Mom.’

At that point, my life without my mother became meaningless. I did not want to continue living with just my father. My mother made my world right, complete, and worthy. I stood up and my legs led me to the hospital’s entrance ramp. I barely saw anything, but I knew I was heading for the exit. I had only one thought in my mind. Be with my mother. As I climbed the access ramp, I smiled and prayed to see my mother at the top inviting me to come with her. However, when I reached the top, my mother was not there. ‘Where are you, Mom? Don’t leave me here. I want to be with you. Please take me with you.’

Meanwhile I saw a truck coming. I thought, ‘I’ll find you Mom.’ When I was already in the middle of the road with the truck a few inches from me, somebody pulled me back. I tried to head back to the road, but that person was holding me tight. “Let me go,” I cried. “I need to be with my mother.”

“No, sweetie. She wants you to stay with your father. He will need you, sweetheart.”

“I don’t want to stay. I need her.” The words came out like hiccups. I just couldn’t stop crying.

That lady saved my life. She didn’t know me, but she helped me. “How do you know my mother? Who are you?”

“People were talking in the waiting room. I came outside to offer my help.”

“Why did you save me?”

“I know you are strong, darling. You and your father are a team now.”

“How do you know? Who are you?”

“Just a friend. Do you want to say goodbye to your mother? I’ll be right by your side.”

I looked into her eyes and saw kindness. She smiled and put her hands on my shoulders. “Thank you,” I said as I dried my tears. “I need to do this on my own.”

“I’ll be outside if you need me.”

We walked back hand in hand to the main door of the hospital. I pushed the door, and a nurse came to meet me halfway. She took me to a room with a stretcher in the middle. My father was next to it looking at my mother’s corpse. I hugged him and together we said goodbye to her. ‘Please Mom, wake up. I don’t want you to go. Why are you leaving me?’ I focused on my mother’s closed eyes hoping for a sign, but it never came. My father dragged me out of that cold room and took me home. I looked for the lady who helped me, but she was not around. My father said, “They will take care of her now. We need to prepare our living room to receive your mother. We will have some people over that want to say goodbye to your mom.”

I headed to my room and put on some black clothing. Meanwhile my father was dragging furniture to make room for my mother’s coffin. Our phone rang continuously, but neither of us answered it. When I got to the living room, I saw that spacious spot in the middle. The emptiness in my heart was bigger than that and the gap in my world was so much deeper. I put on a kind of armor and waited for my mother’s coffin. My father joined me wearing a suit and a black tie. He sat on the sofa looking around. I suddenly remembered that my parents’ bed was untidy. We were expecting to receive people at home, and I didn’t want them to get the wrong impression of my mother, so I entered the bedroom and made the bed. As I bent over and looked for one of my mother’s slippers, I saw an empty bottle of pills under the bed and a few scattered around. I distinctly remember seeing that full bottle on the bedside table this morning. ‘Oh my God, Mom. What have you done?’

Almost forty years have passed and I’m not sure what really happened to my mother. I’ll live the rest of my days wondering if my mother ended her life or what led her to do it. My father always refused to talk about my mother’s death. He’s no longer with us but the doubt about her death remains. Nevertheless, ever since that day, I have chosen life and vowed to make my father happy and my mother proud.

Carla Dias was born in Angola in 1968. She has a degree in Languages and Secretarial Skills, Technological Education, and Management of Tourism Companies and Travel Agencies. The author was a teacher for 22 years, but in 2012, during the Portuguese Economic Crisis, she became unemployed. She has worked as a receptionist and tennis coach at a tennis academy since then. Her writing passion began when she was a teenager.

In 2013 she published her first novel, PODER MUDAR (in English: “To be able to change”) with Chiado Publisher (https://www.facebook.com/escritoracarla.dias/photos_by). In 2019 this same novel was published with a different publisher, Emporium Publisher (https://emporiumeditora.com/collections/romance/products/poder-mudar), and in 2020 she published OS SEGREDOS DE GREENGATE (in English: The Secrets of Greengate) with this publisher (https://emporiumeditora.com/collections/romance/products/os-segredos-de-greengate). (The author has translated this novella into the English language). In 2023, a short fiction story called THE LIBRARIAN was posted on the Academy of the Heart and Mind website on February 27th (https://academyoftheheartandmind.com/2023/02/27/the-librarian/).