Never Too Late

I

It seemed like the world was colored on a grayscale. The sky was overcast with clouds in different shades of gray swirling around the sky all the way down to the fog that permeated through the air seeming to suffocate the world in its grasp. Misty remnants of the previous night’s storm drowned the atmosphere creating a gloomy mood over the world.

The gloominess of the day seemed to reflect Dana’s mood perfectly, perpetuating it further. She walked down the sidewalk of her university with her hands in her pockets and her head down. Lots of people passed her but couldn’t look them in the eye. Often times she felt as though people were staring at her, giving her scrutinizing looks.

Or maybe it was just the lack of confidence in herself that prevented her from looking at people.

Tears welled in her eyes and she wiped them away feeling angry with herself for letting her emotions get the better of her again. Dana was always crying, she felt so alone in the world. She felt lost. She didn’t know what she was doing with her life or where she was going with it. She didn’t even know why she was here at this school when she had no motivation to keep going in life.

It was as though she was dragging herself through the day, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders, and crushing her into something small and insignificant. Not being the supportive person that Dana needed right now, her mother had told told Dana that this kind of behavior wasn’t normal and that she needed to get over it. She put her on antidepressants but they did nothing for her but make her feel numb to anything and everything around her.

As she was walking through one of the many buildings on her way to an English class, the many students she was surrounded by seemed to just be floatin.

Dana felt like she was a ghost, not really a part of this world they were in, just an observer. They all looked so happy. They talked to people and smiled and laughed. When was the last time she had actually laughed?

Within a few minutes she was sitting in a classroom waiting for the professor to start class. All of a sudden a perky blonde girl named Trixie came over to her and looked down at her. Trixie had long blonde hair, wore lots of pink, and was the epitome of the college sorority girl right down to the Greek letters that were always on her shirt. She was such a huge contrast to Dana’s black hair with purple and green streaks, piercings, black clothes and makeup and a face that hadn’t felt a smile in so long.

“Are you okay?” Trixie asked seemingly concerned. It was Dana’s understanding that she never cared about anyone but herself.

“Um, yes…” Dana lied.

“You look like you have some kind of problem,” Trixie said in such a condescending way.

A few people within earshot snickered.

Dana narrowed her eyes. One thing she definitely didn’t like was being talked down to. “Do you have some kind of problem Trixie? Maybe annoying bitch syndrome?”

Heads turned as people got interested and wanted to see a fight between the weird goth girl and the popular party girl.

Trixie looked shocked and then angry. She got in Dana’s face. “What are you going to do? Some weird voodoo on me?”

Dana stood up. “Listen you little hoe…!”

All of a sudden the professor came in. “Problem?” she said in a no nonsense voice.

Dana sat back down not wanting to be made into a spectacle but the way people were staring at her she realized it was too late for that. She quickly put her head down trying to hide her face in her layered hair to hide.

She wasn’t good at interacting with people, she was an introvert by nature and the fact that people thought she was weird or some kind of freak made it worse. At times she was more content being alone, but at the same time she did want friends. She wanted someone to talk to who understood her and thought she was worth more as a person. It felt like she would never have that.

Her best friend had been Alex. She and Alex had been friends since she was seven years old. Alex was the one person who understood her, who respected her, and who she could be herself around.

Until Alex had died in a car crash when they were fourteen. Things had seemed to go downhill for Dana ever since then and now she was at rock bottom.

Ever since then, she had been alone and feeling more down with every passing moment.

 

That evening Dana was home from her long day of classes. Her mother was at work and this meant that Dana had hours to herself to do the one thing she loved and what truly made her happy.

She pulled out her bright red electric guitar, plugged it into an amp and turned the volume up full blast, sat on the couch, and started to play and sing.

Music was her passion. It was the last thing she had left that brought her true happiness. She held onto it as tightly as she could, never letting that one thing she loved slip away from her. She still didn’t know where she was going in life, what her purpose was but being able to play guitar, piano, and sing gave her a tiny bit of hope.

She had learned piano at the age of five, and guitar at the age of seven. By the time she was eleven she was an expert at both instruments and nurtured her vocal talent in the choir at her school. She’d written songs ever since then.

Often Alex would play with her. They taught each other new tricks, spend hours writing and freestyling together. One day, as they sat in her room rocking out with their guitars, he suddenly took her hand.

“I want to get a record deal one day Dana.” She would never forget the exact way his hazel eyes sparkled like they did whenever he got excited. “I want you to come with me. We can be Alex and Dana, the greatest rock duo the world has ever seen. We’ll be in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame.”

She agreed. As soon as they finished high school they wanted to get that record deal and build their careers together. And maybe at some point along the way she would tell him how she felt about him.

They never got a chance to live out their dreams together. He died two weeks later. It was then that Dana started to shut down. She withdrew from the world, became depressed, and entered her never ending downward spiral.

At that moment she didn’t know what she was playing, she played what was in her heart and sang the words that went along with it.

“I am lost in this thing called life
Beaten and destroyed
A spiral of turmoil in this hidden strife

I don’t know what to do
I can’t be here anymore
All I want is to be able to hold you

Can I take myself away
And leave this thing called life?
What more can I say?
Can’t see, can’t breathe
Can’t hold on another day…”

Suddenly the guitar clattered to the floor. The only sound left was her cries of pain.

Her boots stomped over to the full length mirror on the other side of her room. Tears and mascara streamed down her pale face that was flushed with pain and anger.

“It’s not fair! Why didn’t you take me instead?! I’ve done nothing to deserve to be here!”

Her hand balled into a fist and with all of her strength she punched the mirror. Glass flew everywhere. She crumbled to the floor screaming in both physical and emotional pain as the blood spilled onto the floor.

She looked into the shattered remains of the mirror. “What am I doing here?”

 

II

The high school was full of loud energized teenagers at the end of the school day. Restless kids ran finally out the front doors to go home after such a long day, rushed off to clubs or sports activities, or just hung around talking and contributing to the noise.

Max stood by his locker surrounded by his group of football player friends wishing he could cover his ears or put on some headphones to drown out the noise. This seemed to be the loudest part of the high school day and it should have been used to noise at this point, but it annoyed him to no end.

His friends were probably the loudest in the hallway. They joked around loudly and swore nearly every other word it seemed. Max was totally tuned out of the conversation. He often was. As he stood there he noticed the group of theater kids across the hallway laughing and talking about the schools next production of Sweeney Todd that they were all involved in. As he watched them walk past reciting lines and singing songs, he wished he could join them. Sweeney Todd was one of his favorite plays.

“What a bunch of losers!” his friend Rodrick, a tall, muscular, and overly outspoken football player, said as he saw the theater kids pass. The rest of the guys in their group laughed as well.

One of the theater guys heard and glared at them clearly wanting to give them a piece of his mind. Another girl grabbed his arm and pulled him away giving him a look that said “it’s not worth it.”

“Ha yeah, bunch of losers,” Max pretended to laugh.

The last thing he wanted to do was laugh. But that was all he could do. He was living a lie.

At school, he put on this facade of being a big tough football player who didn’t care about school and flirted with girls just to fit in with the popular kids. In reality, he hated football. Oh sure, he’d enjoyed it when he played for fun in middle school gym class but he’d outgrown it years ago. Not only did he hate football he hated the life he lived. He hated acting like a sleazy jerk who didn’t care about anyone but himself. He hated the fake popular kids who did nothing but insult each other behind their friends backs, he hated the parties, and he hated that he couldn’t be himself.

In reality Max was a really smart and kind guy. He was passionate about reading and writing and most of all he loved acting. He loved theater and everything about it but he turned away from it all to fit in with popular people, a decision that he deeply regretted every single day.

“Yo, let’s go to practice,” Rodrick said and they proceeded to follow him to the locker room to get ready for football practice.

Once in the locker room the guys began their usual routine of talking about the girls in the school: who was the hottest, ugliest, who had the best body, which girls they’d allegedly slept with. Max always felt uncomfortable in these conversations but he joined in so no one would get suspicious of his secret.

The truth was that Max was gay. The reason he tried so hard to fit in with these people was for their acceptance and so no one would find out his secret. He didn’t want to face any ridicule that would come if he came out. Especially since he was so deep into the popular group at this school. If any of his friends found out that he was gay they’d make his life a living nightmare.

It was in the beginning of high school that Max decided to turn away from his true passions and live this fake life. It was middle school when he’d started lose his interest in football and sports. At the time he’d been reading a lot of plays and literature and began to want to expand his love for theater so he started being in the school plays.

In eighth grade he had the lead role in Hamlet and while rehearsing for that play he’d found himself falling for a boy named Randy who played Horatio in the production. It had become obvious to Rodrick who began to make fun of Max for being gay. Not being able to take the ridicule, Max left behind his love for Randy and started to hang out more with Rodrick to prove that he wasn’t gay. No one would suspect that he was gay if he followed in Rodricks footsteps. He’d been building this image of himself until now, senior year of high school.

Rodrick had been his best friend since elementary school. He hadn’t always been the mean spirited jerk he was today that Max felt he had to imitate. Back in eighth grade Rodrick had started hanging around the wrong kinds of people and started to follow in their footsteps and as soon as he started to get really popular that was when he changed completely for the worst. To this day the two of them were close friends. He just didn’t know Max’s secret.

Max knew he could never tell anyone, even his best friend. Rodrick was one of the main people who made jokes about gays and insulted the few gay people at their school. What was worse was that Max was expected to join in no matter how much he wanted to give those kids a hug and tell them that everything will be okay and that they were no different from anyone else.

**

That evening he arrived home after football practice soaked from the rain pouring outside. The gray skies of the morning had finally opened up and it rained for half of their practice.

As he went through his house he found his mom in the kitchen dressed up in her usual work suit getting ready to leave.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. Usually she was at work right now so he was confused as to why she was home.

“I had to run home and get some important documents,” she said holding up a stack of papers which she then proceeded to put into her briefcase. “How was school today?”

“It was okay,” Max lied. He always lied whenever his parents asked him how school was.

“Have you thought about what I said about your college major?” she asked as she fixed her hair that was in a neat bun.

Max wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Mom…I don’t know if I want to major in science…”

“Of course you do Max,” she interrupted. “All of that football must be messing with your mind. You’re great at math and science and if you become an engineer or a doctor you’ll make a ton of money and have a successful and happy life.” She gave him a hug. “I’ve got to go now. See you soon.”

He sighed and put his face in his hands when she was out the door. School wasn’t the only place where he was living a lie. It was sad that he couldn’t be himself in his own home.

His parents insisted that next year when he went to college he should major in something science related and go on to be an engineer like his mom or a surgeon like his dad. Sure he was good at math and science but he had no interest in it. What he wanted to do was major in creative writing and theater. He had tried to explain this to them multiple times but they wouldn’t hear of it. They had his future planned out for him and eventually he had stopped trying to persuade them otherwise.

“Why should my life revolve around what other people want?” he said as he stood up. As he spoke he imagined himself onstage giving a grand soliloquy in the middle of an epic play.

“Study this! You must act like this! Say this!” he exclaimed. “Your interests do not matter!”

He started to walk down the hallway to the living room. “In elementary school they said follow your heart and you shall become what you see in your dreams.” He lay across the couch once he arrived in the living room. “But should I become what I see in my dreams only to lose the good things I have already gained?”

“Though constantly I ask myself, how can I live a good life if I cannot be what I wish to see myself as?”

On a shelf next to the fireplace was a fake skull used as a prop in the play Hamlet which he was able to keep for having the lead role. He picked it up and looked at it. “To be, or not to be…that is the question.”

Sitting back down on the couch he continued to examine the skull. He was afraid to make the change, he was afraid of the future, and he was afraid to fully discover who he really was.

He looked into the skulls hollowed out eyes. “Who am I?”

 

III

As Kyle rode his bike down the street the downpour of rain was just starting to let up. Pedaling as fast as he could, he finally made it to a graveyard.

When he stopped the bike, he hesitated before he went towards the graves. The gray stones were covered in brightly colored flowers yet somehow they managed to look so lonely. Things like “in loving memory of…,” or “rest in peace.” How many of these souls were visited often, or even remembered?

He found the gravestone he was looking for. “In loving memory of Garret Robinson: father, husband, and friend.”

A huge lump formed in his throat and he resisted the urge to cry. He had made a silent promise to himself that he would never forget a single detail or smile and suddenly every single memory came rushing back hard and fast.

Only a month ago his father had died. It had been so sudden, one day he was hanging out at his friend’s house playing video games and all of a sudden he gets a call from his older sister, Samara, that their dad was in the hospital for a heart attack. Kyle had nearly dropped the phone when he heard. It took fifteen minutes for his friends to calm him down so he could tell them what happened. His best friend Joseph’s moms came in when she heard him crying and she immediately drove him to the hospital.

When he got there he dad was in the intensive care unit hooked up to a bunch of machines and wires but there was nothing that could be done. As soon as they heard that dreaded long drawn out beep it was like Kyles entire world had come crashing down around him. He could barely hear his mother’s screams of pain or the doctors around them. It was like everything around him froze and not only had his father’s life ended, but his had as well.

Finally he got off the bike and went over to the grave where his father had been laid to rest on that dreaded day. He bent down on his knees and added a few flowers to the already huge stack of flowers that were already put on the grave.

As he looked at the fresh grave he couldn’t take it anymore. Grief overcame him and he started to cry.

His father had been a great man. He was a college professor who taught philosophy and he was a humanitarian. Many projects for raising money to help the poor and better the community were his ideas and managed by him. He was admired by the town for his actions and his kind heart and soul which was apparent to anyone who met him.

Not only was he a great man in the community, he was the best father Kyle had ever known, and he was sure he wasn’t biased just because he was his son. It was true. He’d never seen a father like him before. He doted on his two children showering them in all of the love a man could give his two kids. He supported anything they did, and was the kind of dad they could laugh and joke around with without a care in the world. He taught them to follow their dreams, how to be a good person, follow their hearts, and treat every person they met with kindness. Kyle deeply admired him and wanted to be just like this man.

It was absolutely unfair that such a good person had to die. Why did all of the good people in the world have to die, taking their joy and happiness with them and leaving the world with the evil scum of the earth? If anyone deserved to live a long life, it was his dad.

After twenty minutes, he figured it was time to leave. He didn’t want to, pained him to have to go. He felt like any second his father would appear behind him and everything would be okay. But no matter how long he hoped and waited, his dad wasn’t going to come back.

**

In a way Kyle dreaded going back home. Nothing was the same there. His mother had fallen into a deep state of depression. She’d barely gotten out of bed since her husband died and had only just started going to work again a few days ago. When he got home he could usually hear the sounds of his father’s laughter, telling some elaborate story or trying to explain Descartes philosophy, but the life and joy that the house was once filled with was gone.

As he sat on the living room couch, he looked at their family portrait on the wall and at his dad’s face smiling back at him. He was a tall man, thin, caramel skin, had brown hair that was turning gray, and had lines forming around his eyes. Despite the signs of aging, his eyes were always so bright and there was always a smile on his face which made him seem to resist the changes that time could bring to a person.

“Hi Kyle!” his sister Samara said as she came into the room. She was 19, three years his elder, and despite her long curly hair and the makeup she wore some people would say that she looked so much like their dad that it was frightening.

Kyle raised his eyebrows, “Hi…”

She sounded unusually bubbly. In fact since their dad had died, while he and his mother had been stuck in an inescapable cage of grief, Samara had been extremely happy, almost even happier than usual. Kyle didn’t understand it. Their dad had just died. Why was Samara so happy? Did she even care? Her happiness actually annoyed him.

“How was your day?” she said as she sat next to him.

“It left a lot to be desired,” he said monotonously,

“That’s too bad. I went to the mall. It was great,” she said still happy as ever.

Finally Kyle couldn’t take it anymore. There was no way that she could possibly be this happy! Who acted this way after their parent died?! He hadn’t seen Samara look sad, or even shed a tear this entire time. Not a single sob was heard from behind her bedroom door. She’d been going on with her life like nothing was wrong and he was sick of it.

“Why are you so damn happy?!” he exclaimed.

“Geez Kyle, calm down,” she said laughing. “What’s got you all upset today?”

This was infuriating to him! He could have sworn there was steam coming out of his ears. “Why am I upset?! Our dad just died that’s why I’m upset! That’s why everyone is upset, except you! You act like everything is normal and nothing happened and that he meant nothing to you!”

Samara’s face fell. “Kyle…I…”

“Do you even care Samara?!” he shouted. “It’s not funny and it’s not a joke! After all he did for you, you don’t even cry or look sad or anything! You didn’t deserve him at all!”

With that he stood up and started to leave the room.

“Kyle wait…!” Samara exclaimed trying to go after him.

“Just forget it!” he yelled before he slammed the front door in her face. He hopped on his bike and left the house again. “Why can’t everything be the way it used to be?”

V

Max was still afraid to come out to all of his friends and his family. He wanted to, he desperately wanted to. With every throw at football practice, with every mean joke his “friends” made, and every time his parents came home expecting him to be enthusiastic about what they wanted him to major in next year, he felt like he had to tell them all who he really was.

Until he went to another party that Saturday night.

It was the usual kind of party: people drinking, smoking, with loud music and the suffocating crowd. Max sat in the corner away from everyone. He was ready to go home even though it was only 10:00.

All of a sudden Rodrick called him over to their group of friends where he was talking about some people. As Max was walking over there he became angrier at hearing what was being spoken about.

“So this dumb theater guy was being a loser and wouldn’t let me see his homework yesterday. And I was like ‘dude are you that much of a goody-goody that you can’t help your own classmate out?’ Like, are you kidding me?” Rodrick said.

“I heard that loser was gay anyway,” someone else said.

“No wonder he was such a stupid…”

It was like a fire had ignited in Max’s gut. He couldn’t take it anymore. All of sudden he didn’t care what anyone thought. He decided right then and there that he would rather be an outcast for the rest of his existence than pretend to like these people anymore. At least then he would still have his dignity. It was time for him to speak up.

“Shut up!” he shouted.

All eyes were on him. Normally he would have felt intimidated by it but he felt empowered by finally speaking up and being himself.

“What’s your problem Max?” Rodrick said just as surprised as everyone else.

“You are my problem Rodrick! All of you are! Jake is a nice guy and he was right for not letting you copy his homework!”

Rodrick snickered. “And you’re defending that gay loser?”

“Yeah I am, he deserves respect! I don’t appreciate you talking about him that way or any other gay person because I’m gay too!”

A lot of people gasped and whispers went through the room. Max didn’t care what they said about him. He kept going.

“All of this is dumb. This insulting people and acting like you’re better than everyone! You’re not! All of you are the losers! You get your kicks from talking about other people who are smarter than you and know what they want in life and that’s just wrong. And the fact that you all have to drink and do drugs to have fun is just sad in every way!

“I’m done with all of this!” Max continued. “I’m quitting football and I’m not hanging out with any of you anymore! I’m going to do what I really love and audition for Sweeney Todd and nothing any of you say will make you change my mind! I’m done with all of this!”

Everyone stared at him in shock as he walked out of the door. He didn’t pay them any mind and he didn’t look back. But as he walked out there was a big smile on his face. He finally felt like he was doing what he wanted and he was taking the first steps to being happy. He didn’t have to keep asking the question who am I anymore.

 

VI

With a smile on her face and her head held high, Dana started to realize that her life did matter and did have meaning. Once that became clear, she discovered her true self hidden beneath years of loneliness and she started to shine bright like the person that she knew she was.

One day she was sitting in that math class again writing down lyrics on the cover of her notebook when all of a sudden, Trixie and two of her friends, a couple of other tall, scantily clad party girls, came over to her.

“Hey Dana, the morgue called, their want their black clothes back,” she said smugly. The other girls laughed.

Dana looked at them calmly. “You know what Trixie, you can say whatever you want to me but just know that your words will never hurt me. You’re nothing but an immature girl with no self esteem and I’ve outgrown you. Maybe you should sit down and figure out what you’re worth. You’ll be much happier.”

Trixie and her friends looked at Dana in utter disbelief that she had spoken to them that way.

“You go Dana!” a guy across the room exclaimed.

After overcoming her self doubt, she called a local record company and sent them some of her songs. Next thing she knew they wanted to work with her and help her produce an album.

She had to do this for Alex. Everything she did now, she did it with Alex in mind because she wanted him to be proud of her. He would not have wanted her crying every day, on antidepressants that just depressed her more, and wanting to jump off the bridge.

It was so surreal oink in the first day to record her songs. She’d never been in a real recording studio before. She felt like she was home. She imagined Alex next to her, because if he was alive they’d be doing this together. But Alex was alive, he was alive in spirit and he’d always be there to support her.

“Let’s hear what you’ve got Dana,” One of the producers said to her.

When she played, she played for Alex, for her friends who helped her overcome so much, and herself because she knew that she was worth her weight in gold. She no longer had to wonder every day, what she was doing here. This was where she was supposed to be.

VII

It had been several months since Kyle and Samara’s dad had died. It was hard, but they were coping, they were communicating, and they were getting through this together. Not only this, but they were carrying on their father’s legacy, taking steps to show the world his kindness and the love that he wanted to spread.

After starting a Go Fund Me and putting together what finances that they could and rented a small building for their organization. It was an organization dedicated to helping people in need and starting charity events to help. This was the kind of thing that their dad was always a part of because he wanted to make the world a better place and help those who needed it. That was the legacy they wanted to carry on forever, his love and kindness.

One day they were there adding the finishing touches to the place. They had a framed picture of their dad and a description of his accomplishments. Samara had stenciled onto the wall one of their dad’s many quotes.

This one was, “It’s never too late to change your life and he lives of others.”

All of a sudden their mom came in and she gasped when she saw everything. “Wow this is amazing! You two have really worked hard.”

“We did it for daddy,” Samara said proudly.

Their mom looked on the verge of tears. The death of their father had hit her so hard, but she was so happy that her children were taking this tragedy and doing something positive with it. “I’m so proud of you two.”

Kyle looked at the picture of their dad on the wall again. It still pained him deeply every day that he was gone. He’d do anything to have him back. He’d always wanted to be like his dad and make him proud in every way. Doing this, he knew that he was doing something positive and he had come to realize that when life throws you a tragedy such as this, you’ve got to get back on your feet and keep going.

VIII

The sun cascaded over the city. Its rays illuminated the world, giving everything a new fresh breath of life. The water sparkled under the light of the sun, and everything glowed magnifying the peace and light in everyone’s hearts.

Dana, Kyle, and Samara were sitting at the bench by the bridge. They always met here. Sure they could go anywhere else, but the bridge was special to them. They’d made it through their problems and helped each other here. It would always be a special place for them.

“Where’s Max?” Dana asked looking around but could see no sign of him. It wasn’t like Max to be late.

All of a sudden he walked over to them waving. “Hey guys!”

“Where were you?” Kyle asked.

“Rehearsal for Sweeney Todd went over time a little bit,” he said as he sat down next to Dana.

“How did your parents react to you majoring in theater and creative writing?” Samara asked him.

“Well they didn’t like it of course, but I told them that it’s my life and I’m doing what I want. It’s so amazing to be able to be excited to go to school now because I’m doing what I actually enjoy and there are people there who actually do accept me for who I am.”

“Anyone wanna go grab some food?” Kyle asked.

They all got up and started walking across the rest of the bridge to get dinner.

As they walked, the four of them each had smiles on their faces wide enough for the whole world to see. Each one of them had come so far in the past few months and they would continue to grow as people and understand more about life. They had helped each other to learn and grow and understand it was never too late to change their lives, or the life of someone else.

The bridge to happiness is a tough one to cross but at the other end of it awaits a life of love, peace, and happiness that is the key to making it through this thing called life as the best person that you could possibly be.